Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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