eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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