WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
