Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
