I wanna bring you to show and tell
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
