Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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