this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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