Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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