Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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