Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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