My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
