If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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