I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
