I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
