My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
