On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
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You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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