he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
