bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
