Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
