so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
