The maid of honor just puked.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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