She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
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He passed out mid-signature
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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