Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Randomize
