so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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