Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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