so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He shit in the fireplace
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
