So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
