At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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