Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
