I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
