I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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