I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my phone needs a breathalizer
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
