You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
