I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
