At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
