i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
