someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
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You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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