I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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