Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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