I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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