I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it hurts more in the daytime
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
