sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...