By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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