***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
