He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
