I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
