she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Someone came in the potted fern
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
