rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
