I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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