I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
