shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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