and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
