The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
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I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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