This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He felt like a one man threesome
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
